1 month post partum

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Week 1 Ah the baby is here! It’s been absolutely amazing and then absolutely terrifying to have the baby home. Our first night in the hospital was hard as my husband got sent home and I was alone, in a bit of pain and a bit confused about the whole thing. But the first night at home was the worst. At the hospital the baby had latched on well and was feeding with me but that first night he couldn’t or wouldn’t latch on and I just couldn’t feed him. I ended up crying as he wouldn’t stop crying and I felt like such a failure. He didn’t eat for 12 hours so my husband drove to Tesco and bought formula. Luckily I had listened to my friends and got bottles and steriliser machines in before he was born so we had the means to feed the baby on formula. I have never felt like such a failure and it’s been a big internal battle for me battling guilt from not breast feeding. The battle is between me really wanting to breast feed him and be that mother vs. me just getting the baby fed. In the end he made the decision for us and I am happy to bottle feed him. He only lost 3% of his birth weight at his first midwife weigh in at 6 days so it must be working. We have had some lovely walks out in his pram and lots of visitors which has been nice. It’s also all been a bit overwhelming and tiring but so lovely at the same time. My mum has been such a support as well she had to teach us how to bath the baby and we are starting to build some routines around him and keeping him clean is one of them!

Week 2: This has been a nice if not tiring week, It’s my husband’s last week at home on Paternity leave so we’ve been trying to make the most of it by spending lots of time together as a family. Sleep has been the issue this week as for three nights in a row the baby would wake up and then not settle back down again and was awake from 11pm or 12am till 3 or 4am. That was really tough but we think it was because the baby was suffering from a bit of constipation from going onto formula feeding full time. Thus increasing my guilt! once he had had a ginormous poo (no joke) he settled and has got himself into a three hourly sleep routine of waking up at midnight, 3AM, 6:30AM and 9:30AM which is much better and I am hoping this will last once my husband goes back to work so that he doesn’t have to sleep on the sofa everynight! It’s taking some getting used to but we have been out and about this week and even made it to a Cafe and to do some Christmas Shopping with the baby in the Car. His travel system is really good and we can just slot the car seat onto the wheel chassis for going round the shops. He can only stay strapped in it for 90 minutes so we just need to make sure he gets out for cuddles which is not a problem for me. I love just cuddling him and staring at him, we are a pretty loved up little family at the moment. Other good news is that we have been discharged from the Midwives now and he weighs 8 pound and 2 ounces which is one on from when he was born and he has gained a few ounces this week which is what we wanted. I am worried about my husband going back to work next week but I am planning to go to some groups nearby and meet up with friends which will make it easier.

Week 3: So this week has been extremely tough as my husband has gone back to work and I have been at home alone with the baby for the first time. We have got the feeding, changing and bathing of baby down but sleep is still a distant dream. To distract myself I planned to do some activites this week, so on Monday Edwin and I went to our first Mum and Baby Group. Edwin was the youngest one there and they were very surprised that I had made it out of the house. I am quite a sociable person and don’t enjoy being completely alone but I do sometimes have to force myself into new social situations so it was a big effort for me to go. The leader of it suggested a smaller group for younger babies ‘might be better’ as they have to tailor the group to the majority which is babies 6 months+ but its further away. I’m not sure what to do and might wait till he is a little older and I am a bit more confident with him to go back. I’ve booked us onto two other classes starting in January which I am excited for and he will be two months old then so should be better.

On Wednesday my two friends who both have baby boys came round which was lovely and we caught up and played with our babies. It was so nice and was just what I needed. Unfortunately, Thursday was a write off again. Wednesday was a really bad night for me. Edwin didn’t sleep till 2:30AM which kept my husband awake and as well as this we are living in an area and house which is at risk of flooding all the time and it poured down. The risk of flooding causes me a lot of anxiety and I feel sometimes that I have a bit of PTS from the previous floods. I get so scared and have nightmares about water coming into the house and I can have panic attacks which make me sick. I’ve also been suffering with a few anxieties about being a Mum. I don’t have very high self esteem and the slightest criticism or thoughtless comment can cause a meltdown and a shame spiral. I am my worst critic and so I was very emotional Thursday due to Wednesday night being so bad. I’ve been reading ‘Happy Mum, Happy Baby’ by Giovanna Fletcher and it really is a brilliant book. She is very honest and is just writing about her experience getting pregnant and being a Mum. Her story is very similar to mine and it’s really comforting to read a book which is really talking about what I am going through right now and how it is ok to make mistakes. Friday was much better and as it was my husband’s birthday I went and bought some lovely things for his tea and a birthday cake. We had a lovely evening as a family and he helped with the feeds in the night on Friday and Saturday which was amazing. Back to me solo again on Sunday for a new week so hopefully we will start getting a bit of a plan down.

Week 4: We did it we made it to week 4! This has been a hard month with a huge learning curve to get over. Edwin has really been coming on its amazing to see his development. He can hold his head up for a bit longer and he has learnt to grab onto things and hold them. He has also outgrown his newborn baby grows and is in 0-3 its wierd to see he has already started to grow! He has also smiled for the first time this week which is amazing. His first smile was at his Daddy and it made me cry to see it. We have come over some hurdles this week I took Edwin into town on the train and we went round the shops and I even managed to get into a cafe and have a coffee with the pram. Which was lovely. I’ve been planning his Christening which is coming on now so I’m excited for this and also for his first Christmas.

Two of our best friends also came up this weekend for a visit and we told them we wanted them to be his Godparents which was a lovely moment as they were so touched. On Sunday we went to our friend’s baby’s Christening and Edwin was so well behaved and just looking around all the time at the lights in the venue. We need to get him a projector or something to have at home for baby sensory!

I’m impressed if you’ve read through my ramblings and made it this far into the post. It certainly has been a crazy month and a huge learning curve. But I am learning everyday about my little guy and he means the world to me. Motherhood is hard work but I wouldn’t change it. After all we have been through Edwin is our silver lining. I won’t be doing a post like this every month but I will carry on updating you on his development over the year.

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